Alicekai'd 1.22: Speaking to the Writer's Mind

 

      I need a friend. I need a friend I can talk to ABOUT Geoffrey.

     Duh! Yui! I sit up in bed and give her a call. She says she'll be right over.

 

     "Do you think I'm crazy?" I ask after telling her everything that's happened.

     "Crazy? No. Conflicted? Yes." Then she sits and ponders how to continue to answer me. I see the teacher persona come out in her.

     "Imagine that YOU are one of your characters. What would you have to say about yourself?"

     "Oh." I sit and think. "I would say that I'm utterly clueless."

     "Why do you say that?"

     "Ummm..." I think back to everything that's happened. "Because I don't see what's going on right in front of me. I, uh, make up my mind too quickly? Or I just flat-out ignore what I don't want to see?" Wow, she's good. "Is that right?"

     She smiles. "Well, 'right' is a bit relative, isn't it? This is the answer you just gave yourself." She pauses, letting that sink in. "Ask yourself why you came to that conclusion."

     "Oh, well, that's easy. I didn't, and probably sometimes refused to, see how Geoffrey felt even though the clues were right in front of my face. I form snap judgments without considering that they might be wrong." It's like she's a psychologist, getting me to think for myself in the proper directions.

     "What snap judgment in particular comes to mind?" she asks.

     "That Geoffrey hates me."

     "That's exactly what I'm thinking. Alice, from everything I've seen and everything you've told me, I have no idea how you came to that conclusion." She pauses. "Maybe because... it was safer?"

     "Safer to think that he hates me?" How?

     She shrugs. "It's just a guess. I mean, why else would you think that? Perhaps the idea of him being in love with you was too much."

 

     After all, didn't I once think how I'd miss him if I were ever to find a way out? He's the only one I thought of that way. Yui lets me think about everything.

     I was already putting myself out there by becoming best friends with him. I was determined to find a way out of this, so I didn't want to form any lasting attachments. I didn't want to be hurt later. Best friend is bad enough, but to admit to more would've been too much to bear.

     I wanted to leave. To admit I loved him would be a deterrent to leaving.

     Why do I love him? Sure, he's no supermodel hearthrob, but he's not bad-looking either. It's gotta be how he makes me feel: safe, listened to, respected, ...loved. It goes past the surface.

     Just like the love guru lady said.

     Oh, shut up. I'm sick of thinking back to that charlatan.

     But it's true. I love him for him.

     Yui interrupts my thoughts. "You finally see it now, don't you?"

 

     "How did you do that?" I ask her with a joking hint of suspicion.

     She giggles. "I merely spoke to your writer's mind."

     "I love him."

     She smiles. "I know."

     I'm glowing... but then reality comes crashing back. "What am I going to do?" She knows I mean about Mark.

     She shakes her head. "I don't know. That's gotta be your decision."

     "I mean, a kid's parents need to stay together, right?"

     "I suppose, but, is it worth it if one of the parents is miserable?" She pauses. "Maybe ask Geoff? From what you told me, he was probably over here to discuss just that."

     "Okay." I get out my phone and text him.

Could we meet somewhere later so that we could talk? 

     "I'm proud of you," Yui says.

     I hold up my hand. "Don't patronize me."

     She giggles.

No. I think it best if we stayed apart. 

     I whisper, "Oh no."

     "What is it?"

     I show her my phone. "He said no." Don't cry don't cry don't cry. These new-mom hormones are awful, and I try to maintain my composure.

    Yui brings in her lips, contemplating. When she releases them, she asks, "Well, are you going to give up?"

     "Humph. No." I start typing again.

 

No. I think there are things we need to clear up. I've been an idiot, and I want to know what to do going forward. 

 

     I wait. And wait.

 

This is a discussion to have with Mark. 

 

     I may as well have been slapped. I show it to Yui. She says that, yeah, maybe I should discuss things with Mark too. Then, she has to leave to go teach a class but asks that I call her if I need anything. 

 

     She's a good friend. Yes, I will have a talk with Mark. I also haven't given up on Geoffrey yet, though.