Alicekai'd 1.19: In a Letter

 

 

     "I'm sorry." I'd shown up at Geoffrey's just as he was out checking his mail, and I launched into an apology before he could get a word in.

     I don't know what to do. I can't believe the way Mark reacted to me telling him I'm pregnant with his child.

     "I should be able to tell you anything," I continue, "but I don't know why I couldn't tell you I was dating Mark. Please forgive me."
 

     He closes his eyes and lowers his head. "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have a right to date whomever you choose. Maybe you couldn't tell me because you feared what would happen would be WHAT happened." He looks up at me now.

     "Are you happy with him?" he asks.

     My lower lip quivers.

     He jumps as if zapped. "Alice, what's wrong?!"

     My voice sounds hiccup-y. "Can't you see it?"

 

     I almost collapse in front of him.

     He stiffens. "Alice... please don't cry. Talk to me." When I haven't stopped crying, he begs some more. "If you don't stop crying, I will not be responsible for my own actions."

     I work at straightening up. "Sorry. S-sorry." I want to hug him, but hugging is extremely awkward these days. "I just c-can't... He..." I'm going to land in the dirt in a moment.

     All of a sudden, Geoffrey's arms are around me.

     "Don't cry, baby. Tell me what's happened. What can I do?" His voice is so soothing, and he's holding me tightly. I guess that's a good thing because I was losing it.

     "I'm so scared," I whisper. I'm also scared of what he's going to think of me.

     "What did he do?" Did I imagine the hint of murder in his voice just now?

     "He's... a jackass." I find out I didn't imagine it.

     His voice is almost robotic as he stresses each word, "Do you want me to kill him?"

     Ironically, this makes me laugh. "No."

     "Okay." He pauses. "Are you sure?" He hasn't let go of me, but I don't want him to.

 

     "I can't even imagine you doing that."

     "I'd do anything for you, Alice." He tenses, realizing he stepped on the line just now.

     I'm with the wrong man. The thought strikes me out of the blue, and I open my eyes and stare straight ahead. "You don't need to."

     "If you insist." He slowly pulls back from the hug, and for a moment, I wonder if he's going to try to kiss me. And for a moment, I hope he does.

     "Tell me what he did." His eyes watch my face. Did he see it?

     "Geoffrey, look at me." I gesture to my midsection.

     "Um," he blushes. "Well, I try not to." He does, and his eyebrows come together.

     "I have not gained weight, if that's what you're wondering."

     He staggers backwards for a moment, holding his head. I reach out to steady him, but he motions I don't need to.

      I'm about to break down again. "You hate me now... don't you?" I've lost everything.

      "Give me a minute." He still has his hand on his head and is breathing deeply.

      I whisper, "I'm sorry, Geoffrey."

     "Alice, please... just a minute." He stares off at nothing in particular. Then, his eyes finally find mine. I want to run away with shame.

 

     He reads me perfectly. "Do you ever... listen... to anything I say?"

     "Y-yes." He means the 'jumping into bed' thing as not a way to start a relationship. Oh god, here it comes: the lecture. I brace myself.

     "Apparently not." He sighs. "I could never... hate you, Alice. It's. Not. Possible." He starts like he just realized something. "Have you checked your mail today?"

     I shake my head no. "I was going to, but-"

     "Well, plum." Then he laughs ironically. "I can't win." He kicks some dirt with his shoe, looking down and smiling. 

     "What? Why?"

     "Oh, just me being stupid. I thought that's why you came over."

     "I need advice, and... I don't know. I was just so upset."

     "Well, WHEN you get your mail, don't be upset again. I had no idea of this new... development, but... read it, and well, if you still need help, I'm here." He looks down. "Go home, Alice."

     I gasp like I've been slapped. "Okay," I answer very quietly. He hates me. 

 

     When I get home, I can't check the mail. I'm afraid to. Instead, I go cry under my covers and wind up falling asleep for a few hours.

     Get it over with. 

 

     I have my usual bills, and sure enough, there's a thick letter from Geoffrey. I take a deep breath and walk back into my apartment.

     Sitting down at the table, I open it after taking a deep breath.

     It's three pages, all handwritten.

 

     He loves me. He finally said it. He wrote it down, which just makes it more real.

     "A handwritten letter," echoes in my memory.

     If I'd just listened to her, I wouldn't have ended up in this predicament.

     I have been shallow. So shallow. I wanted Don as a fangirl thing. I was attracted to Gerald because he was hot. I've been with Mark due to physical attraction. And where has it gotten me?

     But as Geoffrey said, he had no idea of this new 'development.' I've ruined everything!