Alicekai'd 1.24: Brave For About Two Seconds

 

 

     Geoffrey has a seat nearest to the door, making it so I have to pass by him on my way to sitting down.

 

     "Thank you for coming over." I'm so jittery!

     "You said that already," he states flatly.

     "I know. I just am grateful."

     "Well, I AM still your friend, Alice." Is he testing me?

     Shit. This won't be easy. "I just... I don't know." I have a seat.

     "First of all, you asked about Mark. No, he won't be showing up because he walked out," I tell him.

     "He what?" His voice stresses the 'what.' "He walked out on you?"

     "Um, well, I don't blame him." I pause. "It's... complicated." Dammit. I hate it when people say that, and I've said it too much recently.

     "What happened?" He's in friend mode.

     "I don't wanna talk about it."

     His body turns toward me. "Alice, that's what I'm here for. Why don't you want to talk about it?"

     "It's personal." I watch his expression as his face turns to a scowl. "Okay, fine. We had a fight. About woohoo."

     He swallows hard. "Okay?" His eyes roam my face, probably looking for more info. "What happened?" he finally asks.

     I let out a long exhale and wilt. Then, in a small voice, I say, "I didn't want to talk about this." Damn, it's hard to lead a conversation to a certain point when one is nervous about said point in the first place. So this is how Geoffrey felt all those times. I take a breath. "He was upset I didn't really want to anymore since Carlie was born."

    I watch him close his eyes and keep them closed. I ask quietly, "What are you thinking about?"

    He takes a breath. "I'm trying to decide how to go forward. Why don't you... jump to the next topic?"

    "Uh, well, they ARE kinda connected."
 

     "Then what?" He really, really looks like he doesn't want to talk about this and is regretting he asked. He looks a little past me, out to the horizon.

     "Um..." I try to come up with a better way to phrase it than just saying it, but I can't. "Well, he kept asking me why, and the argument went around and around until I told him I'm not in love with him." 

     His eyes move back to me. "And then he left."

     "Yeah. I think I... really hurt him."

      He sorta looks nauseated. "Are you wanting to get back together with him?"

     "No," I answer succinctly. Then I wait. See it. C'mon, see it! Guess. Just guess, dammit. 

     He tears his eyes away from mine. "What about Carlie? I thought you two were going to stay together for her."

     I need a light bulb over my head to go 'ding!' "Is that what you meant? When you said I was trying to do the right thing?"

     "Yes. What else could I have meant?"

     "I didn't really know at the time. You said a bunch of stuff all in a rush."

     He sighs and leans to rest his arm on his knee, still not looking at me.

     "Well, then, I'll explain myself," he says, his mind far away from this moment. "I foolishly thought I could try again. Then I found out he was living there. I almost gave up then, but I stubbornly kept going, altering the plan. When I asked if you'd read the letter, you responded that you did but reminded me that it was written before we found out Carlie was on the way. Yeah, that told me that you thought all of it was null and void because there was more to the equation." He sighs. "I'm sorry for being an idiot."

     I try to really listen to him, but my mind gets stuck on 'try again.' That IS what he was there for!

     And I drove him away.

     "I don't want to be with... him." Geoffrey please! Try again right now! 

     "It's what you should do. Kids do better when parents stay together." 

     "I'm calling bullshit," I tell him.

     He decides to defend his stance. "No, it's been studied time and again."

     "Even if it means one or both parents are miserable?" I breathe faster. "How is THAT better?"

     "You don't HAVE to be miserable, you know. The two of you could work things out. Relationships take work. Marriage takes effort and dedication."

     I laugh in a kind of wicked way. "Marriage? No way would I marry him!"

 

     He's not happy I laughed. "Then what were you planning on doing if not marriage?"

     "Co-parenting... with benefits."

     "Well, I could've told you that would fail utterly." He glares at me.

     "Looks like you're right." Please stop glaring at me. "Geoff, please don't look at me like that. You look like you're wondering if you even know me at all. Trust me, you do, okay? You've been right about everything, even though the truth was something I didn't want to face."

     "Tell me what 'truths' exactly."

     "That the best relationships start as friends and that just jumping into bed together is a really, really bad idea. That I need to see I'm worth more than that. That I need to slow down." I watch his expression soften, and that knot that had been forming in my stomach loosens a bit. "It hurt to hear those things because I KNEW you were right, but I didn't want to listen."

     "I never said any of that in an effort to hurt you. I could not, however, let them go unsaid." He's FINALLY looking at me like he's picking up on what I'm also not saying. 

     I could burst into tears right now. Stupid hormones. "I know."

     "Because the last thing I'd EVER want to do is hurt you."

     Yep. I'm gonna cry. But then suddenly, his stomach growls, totally breaking the intensity of the moment.

     He looks up. "Oh, gee, thanks, stomach! You just couldn't stay quiet, could you?"

     I'm giggling as I say, "C'mon inside. I wanna show you I can cook eggs now." I jump up, and for a moment, he looks like he wants to stop me. But then he just shakes his head and smiles.

     "Okay." He follows me into the house.

     I give him a quick tour then get started cooking. He excuses himself to visit the restroom for a minute, and he finds me easily in the kitchen.

 

     "Well they SMELL good," he comments as he walks in.

     I smile. This is so nice! Geoffrey doesn't hate me, and he's here in my house. I'm cooking, and it's not turning into cement. It's almost perfect. "Just you wait, I'm gonna knock your socks off."

     He chuckles then has a seat at the table. The eggs don't take too long to finish, and I get us both a plate.

     He takes a bite.

     Then he just sits there with his eyes closed, slowly chewing.

     "Well?" I'm dying here. "Are they okay? I mean, they've gotta be better than the last time... the last time when you didn't eat any."

     "Holy cow," he says after the swallows. His eyes open. "How is this just eggs and toast? What did you do? This is incredible."

     Yay! I grin. "Trade secret." I eat some of the delicious eggs.

     He watches me with narrowed eyes, but playful. "I'm GOING to find out."

     I shrug and continue eating. Go for it.
     We eat in happy harmony, and after I wash the dishes, he gets up.

     Looking at the floor, he says, "I don't want to, but I have to go."

     "Oh." Well, crap. I never got around to telling him how I feel. He's right (of course); you can't just come out and say it when it's this deep.

     He continues, "If you're free tomorrow night, we could go to dinner, maybe, and continue our conversation then."

      I get brave for about two seconds. "You mean like a date?"

      "Well... yeah."

 

     "I'd like that," I reply, and he finally looks up and smiles.